This post is a submission to the October 2021 Carnival of Aros hosted by VioletEmerald on the theme of “Friendship.” In this post, I will recount two instances in which I had a bit of an emotional reaction to offhand commentary about friendship (in contrast to romantic relationships) on two separate podcasts. And I’ll end with a shoutout to another podcast that is dedicating its entire season to the theme of friendship!
Podcast #1: Hidden Brain
Hidden Brain is one of my favorite podcasts. It covers topics in psychology that I find fascinating and frequently interviews researchers whose papers I’ve read or met in real life and that’s always so cool. I want to talk about one episode called “The Edge Effect” that discussed how diversity in a group can boost creativity. As usual, there are really cool stories and research discussed here. But the description of one experiment made me kind of sad.
Social psychologist Adam Galinsky, interviewed in this episode of the podcast, described an experiment in which he and his colleagues found
People who had dated someone from another culture became more creative … but those who just had friends from another culture didn’t seem to become more creative.
Sad day for people who are not interested in romantic relationships! You’re missing out on a chance become more creative! (I’m kidding.)
Jokes aside, to be fair, the construct in question is not romantic relationships. The construct is deep intercultural connections and this construct was operationalized through intercultural romantic relationships. This is a reflection of an (in my opinion) unfortunate fact about American society: in this society, friendships tend to be much less deep and meaningful compared to romantic relationships. The participants in Galinsky’s experiments were MBA students who are well into adulthood. On average, adult Americans rarely spend as much time with friends as they do with romantic partners and rarely ever integrate themselves into the lives of their friends as they do with romantic partners. Friends are “casual” connections but romantic partners are “serious”. This is of course, a very broad generalization, but those living in the US or places with similar culture have surely noticed this trend.
Hearing about this experiment made me sad because it reminded me that because I am a 30-something living in the US, its unlikely that I will get to have deep meaningful immersive relationships with people unless I date them. After my mid-20s, I realized barely anyone seems to be interested in forming close friendships of this nature. People are too focused on romantic relationships.
I just don’t happen to be comfortable in “dating” contexts. I am uncomfortable by the exclusive nature of dating. I prefer socializing in group settings. It’s not that I don’t like one-on-one settings, I just don’t like the idea of a relationship that is entirely one-on-one. (I am also on the ace spectrum and somewhat wtfromantic, and sex is not something I’m factoring in when I think about such relationships.) There seems to be an unspoken rule that people who date must establish their relationship one-on-one before becoming part of a larger group as a couple. I’m much more comfortable having friendships instead, which are a lot more communal. I’m open to the idea of a romantic relationship that’s communal, meaning that the relationship isn’t about just us but the relationship forms as a result of our mutual membership of a larger community. But I’ve never had a relationship that was awarded the “romantic” moniker.
I also feel uncomfortable by the expectation in this society that people should have dated several people over the course of their lives. If they haven’t, they are perceived as potentially having a rather narrow worldview due to not having had deep relationships. Personally, I’d like to think I have had deep relationships with my friends. We have introduced each other to our cultures, our food, our traditions, our celebrations, our interests, our family stories … I love the idea of meeting and getting to know a lot of people, but it’s true that most people I meet these days aren’t interested in forming a deep connection outside the context of a romantic relationship. It does depends on the person in question. Some people are not willing to share too much of themselves with friends. They will open up to romantic partners only, if they open up at all. Personally, I’m quite comfortable being vulnerable around my friends. And I have been fortunate enough to have had friends who are like that too.
Podcast #2: Throughline
Throughline is a really cool history podcast, which tbh I don’t listen to that frequently, but I do think they have amazing content. Recently they did a two part series on Afghanistan (part 1, part 2). Unfortunately, they do not post their transcripts online, so I couldn’t pull the quotes on friendship, but somewhere in the series, they discussed how despite several aspects of toxic masculinity in their culture, traditionally, friendship between men tended to be quite affectional.
In lieu of direct quotes, I will link to an article that discusses a similar topic but in relation to Arab culture. The TL;DR is that in cultures that practice strict gender segregation, same-sex friendships tend to be a lot more affectional. My culture is kind of like that too.
I will also share a personal anecdote from my dad. Back in Bangladesh (where I’m from originally), around 30 years ago, my uncle had gone back to visit after having moved to the States. While the brothers went out on the street, my dad put an arm around my uncle’s shoulder. My uncle recoiled and muttered something about not wanting to be seen as gay. My dad was confused. He didn’t think there was anything gay about this. (Not to mention that they’re brothers.) I speculate that, back in the 80s, my uncle must have learned, the hard way, that being affectionate with men in the way he was used to, just wouldn’t fly in America.
Bangladesh may be a deeply homophobic country, but the homophobia was always directed at sex (which happened behind closed doors anyways). Even ten years ago, it was common to see men holding hands or walking with arms around shoulders. But this has started to change because the US imports its culture along with its media. Nowadays people are starting to say no homo. Among women I don’t think affectionate friendships have decreased as much, but for women, showing affection publicly is frowned upon anyway. Regardless, the cultural value of affection being meant for romantic relationships and not for friendships is seeping in.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with such a cultural value, but I can’t help but wonder … who benefits from such a cultural norm? It’s totally possible that the broader society does benefit from this norm, and I just can’t see it; but from where I’m standing, living in the States, sometimes I get starved for affection and society’s attitude is, “If you want affection, go find a romantic partner”. I have been fortunate to have found friends who are affectionate, but unfortunate that we no longer live in the same state. (Fun side note, I’ve also found myself with a disproportionately large group of Brazilian friends, perhaps because I discovered that Brazilians do not tend to view physical affection as inherently romantic.)
Podcast #3: Invisibilia
Invisibilia is another one of my favorite podcasts. It’s kind of similar to Hidden Brain in that it deals with the human mind. I wanted to give a shoutout to Invisibila because their ongoing season is on friendship, which ties in really well with the carnival theme! I like the first episode (“A Friendly Ghost Story”) especially which discusses how friendships can end painfully when people do not afford them the same emotional labor of “DTR” (defining the relationship) as they do to romantic relationships. It reminded of a Guardian article I read a while back (“‘It feels like having a limb cut off’: the pain of friendship breakups“). I’ve witnessed a friend-dump happening between two of my close friends and I’ve been struck by the emotional devastation it caused one party and the sorry-not-sorry indifference of the other; and it’s weird to be in a position where I’m still friends with both. These kinds of heartbreak don’t get talked about enough, sadly. (But therapist Kati Morton actually did an episode where she talked about how to end a friendship and how to deal with the end of a cherished friendship.)
I realize after writing this that all of these podcasts are from NPR. I guess it’s not surprising given that NPR does dominate my podcast feed, but I also can’t think of any other emotional reactions to discussion of friendship on podcasts, so I’ll just just end here.
sildarmillion 
Thanks for your perspective! One quick comment that comes to mind for me is that you often use simply the word “affection” in a way that implies physical touch to you, and for me affection is so much more than touch. Affection is the emotion itself and touch is one form of how it can be shown/received but other things, like sweet words or giving gifts, can also be ways to express affection and to feel a closer emotional bond. And often people simply don’t show affection in any form, physical or not, with friendships of theirs even if their bond and each individual’s mental health and emotional experience might benefit from such rituals and actions. It’s a curious thing how thrilled my friends are to receive a greeting card from me if they weren’t expecting one, how nice it feels to be told I’m an amazing person or be given a birthday gift by a friend who “had no obligation” to say such things to me, etc.
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Wow, thank you for bringing that up! Your comment really gave me pause and made me stop an think … wait, how do I think about “affection”? Do I conflate affection and physical affection? And to be honest, I actually don’t know! I’ll have to think about this more. It’s bringing up all kinds of questions like what’s the difference between affection and love? What’s the difference between affection and fondness? How does cultural context influence the way I view affection?
I went back and read through my post. When I referenced affection, I had definitely been thinking about physical display of affection in most instances. But not in all instances. I was trying to think about if there was a way I can make the language on the post more clear, but I’m not sure I can think of the right words.
BUT, I really do appreciate the food for thought! If my “thinking about it” takes me anywhere, this will be an interesting topic to explore in a future post!
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“Even ten years ago, it was common to see men holding hands or walking with arms around shoulders. But this has started to change because the US imports its culture along with its media.”
Oh, man, that’s sad. 😦 I think it’s bad enough that North American culture is so uncomfortable with physical affection, without importing that attitude to other countries.
Also, thanks for linking that Guardian article. Reading it, I saw a lot that resonated with my own experience and, indeed, echoed sentiments I express in my own Carnival submission (which I plan to publish on Monday).
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